I’m important, too!

In my house, I come last.  My husband has needs for time with me and time alone and money to spend on things he wants and things to do and clothes to wear and things he wants to eat.  My daughter has needs for time with me, and special food, and clothes, and toys, and educational play, and time outside, and time with other children, and some days the list of their needs and what I need to do seem endless.

I’ve found this incredibly frustrating. Mostly because the biggest need on both of their lists is time with me. I keep trying to force them to spend time together, because I feel like that should meet that need. It should fill them both up the same way.

It doesn’t. They’re great together. They love each other; they play; they are so very much alike that it just makes me want to dance and laugh to watch them together, but they can’t be for each other what I am for them.

I get really mad some days because I want to be left alone. I want to have free time. I want new toys and clothes and good nights sleep. And I don’t always get what I need. In fact, I rarely get what I need.

I want to scream, “I’m important, too!”

And I am. I’m important. I matter. My needs matter. But I can’t just step out of the picture and get my needs met. They both are going to keep needing me just as much. They can’t fill each other up on their need for me, because I am the one source of me-ness.  But they can fill other needs for each other. They can be the shiny new fun and play mate and romp and so very many things. They need each other too.

None of that gives me the time and space to fill my needs though. So, I’m trying to learn, to discover through trial and error, when I can meet my own needs. Trying to find the time to just be me. Because I need my own me-ness, too.


3 thoughts on “I’m important, too!

  1. My mom had some of the same problems with four kids growing up…she had a little more advantage with us being twins so we at least had playmates. But she got to the point that she realized she wasn’t doing anyone else any good unless she had time to recharge so she talked with my Dad and set up a time for at least a couple hours each week when he watched us and gave her time alone to recoup a little. Sometimes she’d go hang out with some of her friends, sometimes Dad would take us to a movie or park or something and give her time at home alone. Have you and Jeff talked about doing something like that? It may help, even if it’s just a couple hours….good luck. Hope things get better for you soon.

    • We’re working on it. Part of the process has been learning when I can leave her with him when she won’t lose her “stuff” and fall apart on him. It doesn’t really improve my well being if I take time for myself only to come home to a completely nuts family. Jeff is all in favor of me getting down time and the things I need. Mostly it’s just negotiating with a toddler and I’m pretty sure the State Department has guidelines on this.

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