As I was complaining to one of my friends (just before she told me I’d had enough of a pity party and it was time to wrap it up) my daughter interjected with, “You having rough day, Mama?”
And that about sums it up. I’m having one of those days where I lament everything that is even marginally wrong with my life, while ignoring all the things that are so phenomenally right about it. I’m sure we all have those days. I’m having a rough day.
Today is the kind of day that should be rainy and gloomy and miserable to match my mood, and so, perversely, is beautifully sunny and warm.
Today, all I can seem to focus on is the subtle social slights, the loneliness of being in far North California far from everything familiar and everyone I know. I can see all the things we need and want, but I’m having a hard time seeing what we have.
It makes me feel horribly ungrateful to say that. Even my good friends don’t want to listen to me say it. Sometimes though, it doesn’t stop it from being true. Sometimes you still have “rough day”.
Some days, the fact that the prices on everything keep rising, but your income doesn’t, adds itself to the constant inundation of all the things that you are personally doing that you’re told mess up your body, or the environment, or your child’s well-being and you reach a point where the isolation, and the struggle, and the balancing act is just too much and you feel sorry for yourself.
And that’s okay. It’s okay to have a rough day. It’s okay to feel sad, and lonely, and angry at the world, and frustrated with the balancing act. Even if people don’t want to listen, it’s okay to feel that way.
It’s hard for me to parent when I feel this way. Growing up, I was never shown the negative emotions until they hit a boiling point. It was never okay at my house to be sad, or angry, or lonely. It was known, but not something that we were supposed to express. So, I struggle with letting Fiona see me feel like this.
It’s okay though. It’s okay for our children to see us have a hard time. It’s okay for them to witness us having a “rough day”.
It’s even good for them. It’s part of the learning process to know that “bad” emotions aren’t. So, yeah, I’m having a rough day and that’s okay. I’ve had enough therapy to deal with it.
I feel lonely. I feel frustrated. I feel tired.
I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep reaching out. I’m going to keep trying to build us up. I’m going to keep giving myself into my world and know that tomorrow is another day and that in an hour, or a day, or a week, I will feel better.
A rough day is just that. It’s a day. It’s not forever. It’s not a failure. It’s just a day and, yes, it’s rough.