I love my child. I get why hamsters eat their young.
Here is a list of things I wish I could explain to my child:
- Two a.m. is not morning. Neither is three a.m., or four a.m.
- Laying in bed without closing your eyes, while scratching my tummy with your sharp little finger nails, is not the same thing as sleeping.
- Cookies are not a nutritious breakfast.
- Asking again won’t get you what I’ve told you that you can’t have. Nor will asking an additional fifty times.
- Adding “now” never helps your case.
- Telling me that I’m fat doesn’t help. (“Mama, you so big!” “Mmm-hmm” “Mama, you so strong!” “Yes.” “Mama, you so fat!” “…”)
- I am not a puppet. Telling me to dance and then pushing at me when you’re bored isn’t helpful.
- I get grumpy and frustrated just like you. I still love you.
- I’m not trying to traumatize you, but if you tell me we have to get up and play Angry Birds at two in the morning one more time, I’m going to lose my stuff.
- I feel incredibly guilty for not enjoying this parenting thing more.
- You are amazing. I think you’re incredible.
Can anyone tell me how to convey these points to a toddler with the attention span of a fruit fly, the emotional development of a two-year-old, and the the vocabulary of a four year old?